fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
