You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
