When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
