my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
