Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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