Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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