So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
