90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
