my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
