Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
