I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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