last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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