Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
