Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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