my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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