I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
