If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
