Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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