that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
