she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
