I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
