By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
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Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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