i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
