The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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