so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
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Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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