I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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