So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
