So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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