Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
