why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
