420 ftw
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
