i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
