I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
