dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Randomize
