I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
