Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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