she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
