So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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