Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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