Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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