There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
