So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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