i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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