why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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