and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
