I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
