Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
