my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
