The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
