what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
