sarcasm needs its own font
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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