I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
