Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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