He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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