Don't make out with my wife yet
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
