so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
