i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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