is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I touched a dick in church today
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
